Rules for Football Season

Finally, football season is upon us. It has been six long months and I could not be more excited. I am from Texas where football is a religion. My high school football stadium holds 17,000 people. When I was born, my brother cried. He desperately wanted me to be a boy. At that moment, he decided that regardless of my gender I would become a student of the game. Over Thanksgiving and any other get-together in the Fall, the women in my family are in the kitchen. I am with my brother in front of the tv watching the greatest sport ever played. He would draw up X’s and O’s and make me recite defenses.

My love for the game has not subsided with time. My favorite tv channels are Red Zone and the Longhorn Network. I once read the NFL’s Rulebook in my spare time. I am the Commissioner of two fantasy football leagues. If I ever get married, my wedding will have to be on a bye week.

Every year I see women breaking all the rules when it comes to watching a game. For some reason, if a man says something ridiculous like (this really happened while watching football) “that guy was totally traveling,” it doesn’t bother me as much as when a woman says something similar. Maybe that is because it gives those of us that know what we are talking about a bad name.

Here are some absolute no-no’s and some hints to prepare for the upcoming season:
DON’T:
• Ever drink wine at a sports bar! This is the number one rule. You’re watching the game at a sports bar. They don’t have great wine and you look like you don’t belong. I can’t stress the importance of this.
• Ask questions during active play. Don’t interrupt. We want you to learn the game but talk about it during the commercials.
• Tell a long drawn out story. You have 2 minutes. When the game comes back on, you’re done. Caveat: if it’s the Super Bowl, no talking during commercials or during the game.
• Dress up like you are going out on a Saturday night. A dress is only acceptable if it screams team pride.
• Wear heels. You are either going to a stadium or to a bar; there is no need.
• Talk on the phone while at a live sporting event. While watching at a bar or at home, take a call in another room.
• Say “you just watched a game, why are you watching another?” Football is an all-day event. If you are a college football fan, your Saturdays are covered by football. If you are an NFL fan, there go your Sundays, Mondays and some Thursdays. If you like both, there goes every weekend in the Fall.
• They are uniforms and not outfits and no one cares if they are cute.
• Never belittle someone’s anger or frustration. And never ever ever say the words “It’s just a game.”

Hints:
• The home team is the one listed at the bottom of the score box or on the right.
• Memorize who played and won the last 5 Super Bowls. For some reason, it always comes up and you can dazzle them with your knowledge.
• Buy a jersey. But don’t buy a pink one. You are a big girl and can stomach the real team colors.
• Learn what man vs. zone is. Then scream something like “Why aren’t they playing man? This zone defense isn’t working.” Be sure they are playing man at the time.
• Learn what Cover 2 is. Most guys think they know and they don’t. And they get very excited when the words “Cover 2″ come out of your mouth.
Let’s get ready for some football. Hook Em Horns!

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/31296768@N07/3181659032/

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