Enjoy the Ride to Wrinkles

As females, we are bombarded by advice from self-proclaimed “gurus” who expect us to do outlandish things to stay attractive.

I mean, I can’t even log onto Facebook anymore without being land-blasted by some  “Muffin-top got you down?” banner ad. Excuse me, Mark Zuckerberg, but last time I checked, my muffin-top is none of your multi-billion-dollar business.

My response to all this ridiculous hoopla is: bump that shit with a two by four. I am forever committing myself to erasing all “get sexy quick” schemes from my mental knapsack. Honestly, too many women are trying anything and not enough are calling this bologna, what it is, bologna!

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the benefits of healthy living habits. I just have a hard time believing that an hour of rollerblading up mall escalators will make my knees look any younger.

The following are examples of these monstrosities and why I refuse to partake.

 

Advice:  Laugh at least 300 times a day to equal up to 30 minutes of light exercise.

Response:  No one is this funny.

 

Advice:  Try a Bee Venom Facial to tighten your skin by pumping up collagen.

Response:  Why would I pay for someone to coat me in venom when I could just head on down to the local hive and start swinging?

 

Advice:  Eating a sweet potato everyday for a year will make you look up to 7 years younger.

Response:  You will turn orange. Good luck getting a date while looking like a giant baby-faced oompa loompa. And just for the record, I am an ad writer, and “up to” is never a guarantee. “Up to 7 years” might as well be 15 minutes in my book.

 

Advice:  Need more collagen? Try a Vampire Facial! A procedure where blood is drawn from your arm and injected into your face.

Response:  Screw you, Stephenie Meyer.

 

Being healthy is just as much a mental activity as it is a physical one. If we as a group don’t stop constantly obsessing over surface-level personal enhancement, I have a feeling it’s going to be a pretty insecure ride to wrinkles. Let’s live in acceptance. Stop letting insecurity lead us to insanity. Sure, you can care about the way you look. Absolutely, you have every prerogative to do something about it. No, I do not think stinging yourself with bees is the best way to do it. Make healthy living decisions by actually living. Eat a sweet potato because it tastes delicious, not because Dr. Cosmopolitan told you to. Learn to love life everyday over by starting it out merely loving yourself.

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