The Most Controversial Season EVER

If you watch The Bachelor(ette) then you undoubtedly know what Bachelor Pad is. If you don’t watch the former or know about the latter, allow us a moment to shed some light on some of TV’s finest programming.

Imagine if a TV exec decided it would be smart to combine The Real World with Jersey Shore, add more alcohol, and only use the rejects from The Bachelor(ette) and then decided to encourage the stars/contestants to act like complete freaks. Well that’s precisely what Bachelor Pad is.

It is 100% pure unfiltered (not to be confused with uncensored) garbage. But it is awesome. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “can’t take my eyes off of the train wreck.” It is easily the best reality show on the air right now, and we love it.

So let’s take a look at some of the basics about season three of this love letter TV big wigs decided to write to us.

-       The winners get $250,000. Most of these folks probably don’t need the money that bad. One contestant may or may not own a helicopter.

-       Most contestants claim they are on the show to find the love they couldn’t find on The Bachelor(ette). They are lying. The reasons they’re on the show are, in a very particular order, sex, potential fame, sex, and free booze. The odds of people coupling on BP are slim. The odds of the people staying together that do couple up are miniscule. So if you’re looking for the romance of the original, this is not the show for you.

-       The former cast members are all terrible. VIP Cocktail Waitress is the occupation of one of them. I understand that to mean she is a stripper.

-       This season they added six “fans” (read: PSYCHOS) as contestants. Two of them are blonde, female twins from The University of Florida. One is a SWAT officer who calls himself Swat. One is a smart, obviously rich New York socialite. One said she is going to be in a bikini the whole time. And the last one might be a cousin to a Jersey Shore star. The “fans” are referred to as “newbies”, and the former cast members call themselves “veterans” just so you know. SPOILER ALERT:  After two episodes only two of the “fans” are left. Bikini babe and the Shore cousin.

-       They kick each other off survivor style until two people are left, usually a couple, and those two have to play a weird game to see if one person gets the money (signaling an immediate breakup), they split the cash (signaling a messy breakup within a few days), or if nobody gets it (signaling another immediate breakup).

-       When deciding whom they are going to kick off, they use the phrase “chopping block”. And they use it ALL THE DAMN TIME. We don’t condone the abuse of alcohol, but if you want a drinking game, drink every time someone says “chopping block.” You’ll feel good within 45 minutes.

If you are one of the few TV addicts who hasn’t tuned into Bachelor Pad yet and now feel like you’ll be lost if you start watching next week, let us do you the favor of catching you up. This week’s episode was one for the books.

The aforementioned Florida twins drank from start to finish and would have highly benefited from subtitles to understand their mumbling. They got into some Jerry Springer type fighting and decided to pack their bags and hit the road. Weird. Needless to say, everyone was more than thrilled to see them go.

During the rhythmic gymnastic contest (boring except for Erica’s panty malfunctions), Michael and VIP Blakeley proved to have the best moves and won the prize of being able to take three contestants each on a date. Michael and his dates went to go see a band that we can only assume is 2012’s version of Nickelback. Real bad, folks.

Chris (we call him “Vampire Chris” because when he cries he looks crrrraazzyyyy) tries to holler at two chicks this week. So he gets into bed with Blakeley, they start making out, and we watch what ensues using night vision. Creepy, but awesome. Other babe, Jamie, starts looking for Chris and finds him in bed with Blakeley. Instead of leaving and crying about it to everyone downstairs she gets into her bunk bed ABOVE Chris and Blakely. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU JAMIE?? My goodness. And Chris… I bet Emily is very glad she ditched you for a guy with weird hair and a skateboard. That’s bad.

Erica, from the 2006 season of The Bachelor, is still wearing a tiara. Sorry chick, it doesn’t hide your face.

Finally, the 32-year-old virgin gets kicked off, no one cares, and now we anxiously await another dramatic week of Bachelor Pad.

Image from: http://www.gossipcop.com/bachelor-pad-2012-cast-contestants-photos-season-3-names-pictures/#0 

Facebook Conversations

comments